Sheepdogs

So, there I was. 1st Grader at my new school and there is a line of older kids, the 5th graders outside their classroom getting ready to go for lunch. Their line happens to be by the bathroom which is right where I was headed. I was trying to hurry to go pee and then head back to class. When suddenly I saw him, but it was too late. Just as I was walking by the line of 5th grader’s he grabbed me by the shoulders and kneed me right in the groin. He started laughing with all of his friends, I could feel the tears welling up and no matter how hard I tried to swallow that lump in my throat; you know that one that feels like your trying to swallow a tennis ball when you’re in pain, upset and crying…I couldn’t.

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t make a noise. All I could do was sit there with that pained look on my face with tears running down my face. Somehow, I made it back to class crying. Walking through my classroom door, my classmates looking at me in a strange concerned, yet empathetic way. I remember my teacher coming over and asking me what happened. I was too embarrassed to want to admit what happened because I knew what would happen if I did. She insisted and pushed me to tell her what happened. Which led to us going into this boys classroom and getting a half assed apology from him with a smirk on his face sitting with all of his buddies.

The bell finally rang which meant school was over and it was time to leave and put the day behind me. So, my little brother and I began the short walk from school to our baby sitters house which was a stones throw from school. That short walk felt like an eternity, I could feel the butterflies and sick to my stomach feeling slowly creeping back in. Because that same asshole that roughed me up at school just so happened to be my babysitter’s son. You cold imagine what names and verbal and emotional shit I received for ratting on him at school.

The anxiety I slowly developed by having to be around this loser got to be pretty extreme. I am not sure how my little mind processed those things, or dealt with them. I am assuming I blocked a lot of things out, got pretty good at putting up some walls, compartmentalizing things at a young age. I didn’t dare mention anything to anyone because I know what would happen if he found out I told on him. He would wait until no one was around and get his revenge.

There was one time in the summer we were headed to a water park and pool. I was so excited to go!! We were getting ready and kids were changing into their swimsuits. I was trying to get into the house to change like everyone else and this young model citizen through me in front of the van in the garage and made me change while he watched. He never touched me inappropriately, he was just a fucking asshole who loved power over and loved to have that control over someone who was smaller, vulnerable and too scared to fight back.

In 6th grade our bus got to school earlier than all of the other buses and we had an extra 15 minutes to kill before the bell rang for school to start. I wasn’t the most popular kid, had braces, going through that goofy gangly stage, uncoordinated. I only wanted to mind my own business and get through my day. I was standing around waiting for the bell to ring when for some reason Jon with the San Jose Sharks black starter jacket and side spike hair cut started looking at me. I could feel his glare from across the commons burn a hole into me. I didn’t want to make eye contact back, because then I was sure he would be walking my way to start something I knew I couldn’t finish.

Regardless of me avoiding eye contact he slowly started making his way in my direction. I am not even sure I remember how or what he said at first. All I remember was that first shove caught me off balance. Then the first punch across my cheek, then the second punch across the other cheek. My adrenaline was going fast, but so was my anxiety and embarrassment of everyone in school witnessing me get my ass beat.

This happened a few days a week for a few months. Then Jon’s friends started getting brave and harassing me too because I wouldn’t do anything to stop it. Finally, I was fucking done, no more. I couldn’t take this anymore. One of his friends came up to me and challenged me to one of those famous school yard fights after school on the football field.

The date and time were set….no turning back.

Word spread so fast around school that by the time the bell rang to end school on that day there was quite a crowd waiting by the football field.

So, there we were…two kids, squaring off. No one wanted to throw the first punch because they didn’t want to look stupid. Not sure who led first, but there was a melee of fists, a fury of wind where nothing connected.

And not sure why, but the kid at our school who no one messed with and who had a beard since he was probably 8 walked directly at me. Unsure I kind of backed up a bit and all he said was, this is how you make a fist and this is how you punch. He gave me a nod and I nodded back.

We squared off again. This time punches were thrown, punches connected. Some hurt, some didn’t. He got me good a few times and I got him good a few times. Then I threw a punch which I can still see in slow motion to this day and the connection on his jaw right in front of his ear. He staggered back and uttered words which you never do in a fight…”time out” he said.

I was in dis belief as was the small crowd that gathered to watch. Before anyone could make any sense of what was going on the school’s security office came bombing up on the football field in his car and we all scattered.

There were no refs, no judges, no one really won, no one really lost. But, I do know I learned something about myself that day and I wasn’t the same, in a good way. My buddy Mike gave me a ride home on his Haro Sport bike with the pegs and although I didn’t look like Rocky Balboa, I certainly felt him.

Now, I am an educated man…but I can’t speak on habits of other people and how they react when they get bullied or beat up consistently.

I do know this. My parents and my brother were amazing. Our house was filled with love. My friends were supportive, caring and always there for me. Maybe if things were different at home, or with my friends I might have responded in a more violent way to “get even.”

But, that is not how I am wired.

This is why with my own kids I am always asking them how their day was. Who did you hang out with at recess? At lunch? Anything crazy happen at school today?

You never know what they might say that could involve them or one of their buddies.

I make it a point to volunteer as much as I can not only to spend extra time with my boys, but I want to see who they are hanging out with, see the other kids that are there, get to know everyone. The more kids see you as well as teachers they are more comfortable sharing things.

I make it a point to hangout with the parents of my kids friends. Ha not solely because I have a hard time making friends especially the older I get and its easy and we have similar interests. But, apples don’t fall from the tree. I am lucky that my boys are pretty good and picking out their buddies and their parents are all amazing.

After being on many different ends of things I have learned there are 3 types of people. Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs.

The Wolves prey on the Sheep and the Sheepdogs protect the Sheep from the Wolves.

We are doing the best we can to raise Joseph and Zack to be the best Sheepdogs they can.

I am always telling them to help others, watch out for others and their friends, if you see something say something and do something. Defend your brother, friends and those you do not know.

I don’t want my boys going through what I did, I want them to be strong enough and smart enough to help to defend themselves and others.

That all starts at home….ask questions, be present, be curious.

Side note, the kid who I fought on the football field was a baseball teammate of mine a few years after that and became decent friends. You never know…